Jose de Jesus Ortiz would like to take this opportunity to remind you that he knows far more than you could ever hope to

Silly media. How dare they come sniffing around this ball club and start rumors and make accusations. Bastards.

Everything you heard that didn't come from JJO? False. Untrue. Not remotely correct:

Oswalt isn't talking publicly about any trade speculation, but the Chronicle has learned that Oswalt would invoke his no-trade clause if the White Sox attempted to acquire him.

Oswalt has a no-trade clause, and if he ever waived it to go play in Chicago it would be with the Cubs and not the White Sox.

Because of the recent turmoil surrounding Cecil Cooper, some national media, without even talking to Oswalt, have insinuated that he wants out of Houston. One report even claimed Oswalt was upset that the Astros didn't try to acquire Peavy.

As some of you will remember, this winter I reached Peavy on Oswalt's cell phone when they were on a hunting trip. During that phone interview Peavy admitted that he'd embrace a trade to the Astros, promising to discuss trade talks for the first and last time of the winter that time. Peavy remained mum the rest of the winter until he got to spring training.

Would Oswalt love to have Peavy in Houston? Absolutely. But it is irresponsible and a flat out lie for anybody to write that Oswalt wants out of Houston because he's upset that the team didn't acquire Peavy.

In this blog on Thursday, I wrote about Scherrer being in Cincinnati and Pittsburgh watching the Astros. I didn't write about it in the paper because I was assured by a top National League official who would know that the Astros and White Sox weren't in any trade talks.

That can always change, but I'm writing this blog just to make clear that Oswalt isn't going to accept a trade to the White Sox.

So before folks continue to speculate on Oswalt, cross the White Sox off that list. Now, if the Cubs or St. Louis Cardinals call, I would expect him to say yes right away if the Astros approach him and ask him to do it to help the franchise rebuild for the future.

To recap: You are stupid. The media is stupid. I am stupid. Ken Rosenthal is stupid. Jon Heyman is stupid. We all should bow before the Knowledge of the Houston Chronicle and JJO, and feel shame that we ever doubted.